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30 April 2007  Sacrifices

Oh my life!! Where have the last fourteen weeks gone!!!!??? I feel like I have been existing with my head filled with a haze of grey fog.....Not only have the wheels been well and truly off - but the torture I have put myself through trying to get them back on again has been exhausting!! I accept I am a little prone to over exaggeration but really!!! Life changing experiences and all that malarkey.....I suppose if the shit is going to hit the proverbial fan it may as well be all at once. ….. I mean, I ask you, how are you supposed to deal with the day ahead, when, within a two hour period, The Mother arrives and announces that she taking back control of her life, leaving her partner of ten years and her fantastic business to leave the country and start enjoying herself again? Then in walks John, the love of your life, your rock & your future states that his business of twenty- two years has just gone down the pan and he is going to need me behind him whilst he takes some time to think!!! My God. Up till then my biggest question was shall I have Arborio Rice or Ginger & Chilli Stir-Fry………. hmmmm, it’s another toughie….. Watching two of the most important people in your life go through particularly hard times on their own journeys is horrific. The feeling of wanting to step in and make their pain go away still hasn’t left me. I don’t know where my strength has come from. I feel like I have connected with my ‘inner Garth’.

I suppose we all have to decide what it is we really want or indeed don’t, as the case may be and take the steps towards wherever it is we want to be. Even if it does mean giving up or loosing something you have worked so hard to create. This is it. There is only one life. No regrets.

 

3rd May 2007 Mania

Stress is definitely not my bag. I don’t like it. It doesn’t like me. I mean a moderate amount is necessary but not to this extent. I hate to think what state I would be in if I didn’t have a full years cleansing, building and learning my patterns and triggers behind me. Thank God for Rumana, the supplements and the self awareness. Oh, and not to mention the self-help book phase I went through last year. I am close to burn out and I can feel it. I am angry and I am frightened. As it stands, the Mother is settling down to her new house, new life and to be fair I haven’t seen her looking this good for a long time. Her skin is back to normal and her eyes are bright again. John however is particularly attractive with his regained glow. Starting the new business was obviously the right move for him too. He is jogging again, whistling in the kitchen on a morning and he general aura is radiating all that happiness that attracted me to him in the first place. It’s as though a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It is a joy to see. I love him so much. I heard him roaring with laughter on the phone the other day, you know those really deep belly laughs that you can only do when something has tickled you inside…..it was so lovely to hear him happy again that I started to cry.

Meanwhile, I wish I could say the same for myself. I am seriously questioning the decision to keep my job on as well as running John’s office. It is costing me my serenity. Admittedly I am wondering just how long I can spread myself this thinly. John looked at me yesterday and asked if all the change is too much for me. He says my sunshine has gone. I started to cry again and said I didn’t know where I put it. I think I lost it in the car on my way somewhere in a rush. I don’t like what the changes, stresses and worry over the last few months has done to me. I have clicked into default and started all my old behaviour again. Bingeing, drinking and all the other self- sabotage patterns I exhibit. I have even thought about the drugs again from time to time…..the only thing is I am too busy to suffer the after effects. Surely there must be a compromise? Maybe I need to allocate myself a slot just for me every week!! I can’t wait for the retreat to Orgiva. It’s going to be decision time.

 

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